My darlings!  You know how I feel about cellulite creams: mucho suspicious, of course.  (Yes, they can make a difference in the appearance of skin temporarily, but we’re not talking liposuction results.  When dealing with anything that promises to banish wrinkles or fat for-evah!, realistic expectations are key.)  So, how about the chance to test one of your own, for free?  That’s right, no blowing your hard earned money…and, just maybe, slightly sleeker thighs, too.  Not that anything is wrong with your gorgeous thighs just the way they are.  I know that.  You know that.  (Right?) But, hey, we’re human and we all want to look our best, so no judging!

Nivea has partnered with me to give away 25 tubes of their Good-bye Cellulite Gel Cream, which retails for $12.99 and includes L-Carnitine, which helps convert fat into energy.  The first 25 gals who reply in the comments below with their email address and all-time favorite body product (moisturizing cream!  bath gel!  No!No! hair remover!  Whatever!) will win.  Good luck…

This week, I sent Deenie to Bliss to check out the Fat Girl Slim line and get a massage (tough life, eh?).  Her report, here:

 ”Jolie readers:  Because you’re so beauty-savvy, you won’t be surprised to see me gush over Bliss Spa.  With 8 locations across the U.S., one opening in Scottsdale, a spa in London and locations soon coming to Doha and Hong Kong, Bliss has become a household name since the early 90’s.  Bliss isn’t your average walk-in, lie down, drop-your-pants and get waxed where-the-sun-don’t-shine spa.  They lend you a robe and flip flops!  Give you a locker!  Stuff you with brownies and lemon water!  I fell in love with their Triple Oxygen Facial and Brazilian Bikini Wax long ago, but recently have been introduced to their fabulous at home spa solutions.  It’s beach time (although Nadine has been enjoying Los Angeles sun for months, grumbles the pale New Yorker), and that means skinny time.  Thankfully Bliss knows how to help a girl out when she just can’t do any more sit-ups or stand to eat another grilled chicken salad (dressing on the side).

Fat Girl Slim and the Love Handler are the first two of Bliss’s cellulite busting creams in the Fat Girl line.  Intended for use during the day, Bliss claims the Love Handler is a “liquid workout for lazy abdominals, with 8 hour release caffeine and energizing amino acids.”  A sister to the LH, Fat Girl Slim works similarly but with QuSome-encapsulated caffeine molecules and can be used from the neck down.  Completing the trifecta, a new sister is born—and born to sleep.  Just released a few days ago, Fat Girl Sleep is packed with Bliss’s slenderiZZZe complex and has a lovely lavender scent with which you can rub you flub before slipping under your sheets.  Overnight, dimple diminishers are released to help you take full advantage of your 8 hours…or 6 (let’s be honest). 

And while we’re talking summer, Bliss and Philips have just released a Bikini Perfect kit- your own at-home hair removal kit for those times you poor (or lazy) moments.  More cool new Bliss products to keep you looking young and skinny are available online.  But until next time, good night and good luck.”

M. writes:

Dear Jolie, I am 19 years old and summer (and spring break) is drawing near, and I just finished reading the Marie Claire with Drew Barrymore on the cover. Under “Insider Beauty Secrets” they say that there is basically no hope with cellulite creams…and therefore I should not spend my money. Have you ever heard of Fat Girl Slim from Poetic? Or those new crazy patches that apparently firm your skin from L’Oreal??? I’m hoping that along with exercise, there is hope in a jar to help firm my bum and thighs for this summer, and felt like you the beauty guru would be best to ask (even better than Marie Claire :)). Much love! 

Hi M.!I hate to say it…but efficacious cellulite creams are one of those myths, like Santa Claus or men who prefer “natural” women. (The problem there is usually the male fantasy of “natural” versus the brutal female reality, but that’s a whole ‘nother story.) While there are some cellulite creams that have cult status (like Shiseido Body Creator and Osmotics), all the creams really do is smooth out the appearance of the top of your skin. They can’t actually make cellulite disappear and literally change the composition of your body, otherwise they’d have to be FDA regulated as drugs, not faux-miraculous, happiness-inducing (well, temporarily, at least) cosmeceuticals. That’s not to say that you may not see a very small, temporary difference in the appearance of your thighs and tummy after using these creams several times a day, everyday, for weeks—the same way, say, a really great foundation might make acne look like, poof!, it’s gone—but even if that unlikely scenario were to happen, once you stopped using the creams, the magic would disappear. And I’m just too damn lazy to put all that time and effort into something that will probably not work, or will only provide miniscule results once it does.