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Because Jolie is a giant loser at heart, sometimes she does unspeakably lame things like re-read her own books, and then giggle. 

As if I didn’t write it myself.

So!  I know there are still women in America who have not read my own personal War and Peace, the greatest book you will ever read in your entire life, Beauty Confidential.  I am not kidding.  It should win the Pulitzer Prize.  Um.  Of beauty.

For your reading pleasure/my procrastination, one of my favorite excerpts!  

The Different Hairstylists

Gay Psychiatrist: He’s gay.  He’s chatty.  He’s empathetic.  And he’s fabulous.  This is the kind of stylist who always pops up in movies as Reese or Julia’s mane man, designed to both whip your locks into shape and sagely explain why your boyfriend is a total idiot.  Except he’s not only in movies–he’s real.  After twenty-five minutes in his chair, he’ll know the name of your last three exes, the fact that your second cousin got a girl pregnant, and the real reason your best friend stopped talking to you for two weeks in 2003.  He’s your soulmate.  If only he were straight.  Well, at least he gives great cut.

The European Lover: Have you ever had a stylist stare deeply into your eyes while caressing your scalp, whispering amorously that he is going to make your hair perfect?  If so, you’ve been struck by the European Lover.  Without fail, he’s either French or Italian, and usually speaks English with a heavy (but oh-so-sexy) accent.  He’ll ply you with compliments, immediately inquire whether you have a boyfriend, and seduce your hair with his hands.  Before your next appointment, you’ll spend ten extra minutes applying makeup, because how could Claude possibly see you without it?  Your hopes will be dashed, however, when his much older girlfriend Barbara shows up at the salon.  These relationships, much like real ones, often last only a year or two before one of you loses interest because of the lack of sex.

(more…)

Tune in tonight to the CW to catch Jolie’s gal Friday, Cologne, in the new fashion reality show Stylista!  You’ve probably seen the promos by now, but if not, here’s the rundown: 11 fashion editor wannabes compete for a spot at Elle Magazine (my fave) under Anne Slowey, Elle’s Style Director.  Anne’s channeling her best Miranda Priestly, but by all accounts, she’s not really that beastly.  I know I’ll be watching…but will you?  Does anybody still think magazines are glamorous?

Check out Cologne’s personal fashion website at ohdecologne.com, where she showcases her line of adorable Berkeley-inspired dresses

Let’s not fool ourselves: good genes help.  Hell, they’re at least half the battle.  But if those horrific photos of “Stars–Without Their Makeup!” on the cover of tabloids like Star show us anything, it’s that without complexion-smoothing foundation, shiny, blown-out hair, lengthening mascara and glossy lips, celebrities really can look Just Like Us!  (Which is to say, not like you belong on the cover of a magazine.)

So, for your consideration, I present Adriana Lima, here at the launch of Victoria’s Secret’s newest fragrance, Dream Angels Wish, a “blend of sparkling grapefruit, orange flower and cashmere woods.”  Adriana is ridiculously pretty, and I’d be willing to bet she still looks Deal With The Devil gorgeous even sans makeup and with her hair pulled into a messy bun.  However!  Adriana’s helped along here by a few tricks that can turn any woman from so-so to stunning.

1) Bronzer: Apply it at the temples, on eyelids, and very lightly on the forehead, top of your cheeks and (only if you don’t have a ruddy complexion) on the sides of the nose.  Stay away from your chin, the upper lip and the lower-half of your cheeks (a common rookie mistake that mimics a 5 o’clock shadow.  For examples see: Aguilera, Christina; Lohan, Lindsay; Underwood, Carrie.)

2) Peach makeup: Peach eyes, peach lips, peach cheeks, it’s all good.  Pay particular attention to eyes, and use several different shades, including a slightly darker shadow that’s verging on bronze or brown.

3) Defined eyes: Line the upper-lid as close to the lash line as possible, and then set by following over it with a thin liner brush dipped in dark eyeshadow.  Dust a small amount of shadow on the lower outer corners of the eyes, and follow with mascara on top and bottom lashes.  (For extra va-va-voom, use a lash curler first, and pick a kick-ass mascara.  I’m currently loving Too Faced Lash Injection Pin Point, but also die for Cover Girl Lash Blast). 

4) Face shimmer: Think apples of the cheeks, the center of the forehead, on the tip of the nose, at the inner corner of the eyes and under eyebrows.

5) Shiny, healthy hair: Use either a curling iron or a straightening iron to help sleekify, then apply a shine spray or serum.  Et voila!

The one makeup item consistently in my bag is this adorable limited-edition compact by Hourglass Cosmetics, called Vol. 6 Face Palette in Zodiac, and available only at Sephora.  It costs fifty-eight clams, which isn’t exactly cheap, but it includes two versatile, wear-anywhere glosses, and four gorgeous, richly pigmented wet or dry eyeshadows to take you from office to dinner party.  Plus, it’s paraben-free and the packaging is insanely cool—the compact lid opens to swivel 360 degrees.  (Okay, I don’t really know what the point is, but it’s certainly fun, and the mirror is huge!)  In a pinch, either gloss doubles as a cheek stain, and the darkest two shades—a plum and a shimmery midnight blue/grey—help create the sexiest smokey eye this side of Brigitte Bardot.  Run, don’t walk.

On my way to a dinner party in Laurel Canyon last night, I stopped at Whole Foods to pick up some wine.  Walking through the cheeses aisle, I spotted Lauren Conrad with an army of blonde hipsterbots, all clad in blue, purple and pink flannel shirts, and all with long blonde locks tied back in braids.  (I am also convinced I saw Stephanie Pratt there, although she was on the other side of the store.  Mysterious.)  It pains me that I even know who these girls are…but let’s not pretend.  I do know.  I know what they look like, and I know who they date, and I know what their kitchen looks like, and I know that I need to stop watching MTV immediately before my IQ drops even further.

But!  Back to Lauren!  Her hair was some serious business: long and shiny and Boticelli-wavy, with said aforementioned braids woven throughout the back.  I know Lauren goes to Warren-Tricomi in West Hollywood, visiting Kaz Amor for color and Christine Symonds for cut (both of whom I’ve seen before, and who do fabulous work)…but looking red-carpet perfect is easy.  After all, you have a team of stylists catering to your every beauty whim, shellacking the bejeezus out of you until you resemble a Madame Tussauds wax mummy.  The true test of celebrity cuteness (and hairstyling adeptness) is spying one of ‘em in real life, in flannels, at Whole Foods on a Sunday evening…and realizing that they are still undeniably gorgeous.  You know, perhaps I’m smarter, a better writer, more kickass at Trivial Pursuit, maybe even quicker on the draw with an eyeliner pencil.  But when it comes to the looks game, that damn LC has me beat.  Sigh.

Rockin’ the waves n’ braids like nobody’s business…

Seriously.  This girl’s hair is perfect.

Jolie’s brain is mush after two weeks of non-stop action.  Tonight, all I want is to go home, crawl under the covers, and catch up on back episodes of Gossip Girl, Heroes and Chuck.  But no…it never ends.

Luke O’Connor, of the Lukaro Salon (and Debra Messing’s stylist, by the by!), gave me a great new haircut this week with lots of layers, texture and movement.  I airdried it last night before bed, and it fell in soft waves without any styling intervention–the true mark of an excellent cut!

Before my cut with Luke.  Happy…but hardly glamorous.

After: “La-laaaa!!”  Can you hear the birds chirping?  The music soaring?  The crowds cheering in the street?  Ding-dong, the split ends are dead!  (We shall not discuss the rampant facial shine, however.  Apparently, I need to start using OC Eight oil-control lotion again.)

On the red-carpet at the Suave-hosted Glamour Reel Moments premiere with other beauty bloggers

Making my best, “I am listening very intently and am a serious journalist” face.  I am probably thinking, “I wonder if it would be overkill to have an eleventh piece of bacon”

Oh, hell, yes. 

I would let Ed Westwick womanize me any day of the week.